The end

Today I reach the end. My world never stretched beyond this. My plans never really considered a moment past this day. Tomorrow I reach the end, and all I know is that I’m working a night shift on Sunday. In a way it’s exciting, but at the same time it’s the most daunting step I ever took. Moving to Loughborough and starting uni were nothing in comparison to this.

I’ve been pretending to be a grown-up all week. I’ve called people to arrange accommodation and storage of my excess stuff (back to living out of a bag…); I’ve cleaned ovens and packed up pans; I’ve worked night shifts to compensate for the fewer hours I’ll be able to work this week. I’ve written newsletters and emailed trusts with the aim of furthering my career. But all the time I still feel like a little girl. Do we ever grow up? Or do we just keep playing more and more complex roles?

I was reflecting on this last night as I struggled to stay awake in those early hours. The toughest thing is that two of my best friends are moving away on the same day, and I’m really not sure what I’ll do without them. Andy and Scot have been rocks to me over the past three years… And at that point I heard a little voice say, “I AM your Rock. I always have been. I always will be.”

Every ending is just a new beginning, right? Tonight we were at the City Church “Family Conference” and there are more changes afoot, more ‘rocks’ are shaking. Not in a bad way; I think we’re just being shaken off the little stones that we thought were so solid and landing on the Rock that will never change. I’m not the only one who’s reached the edge. I’m not the only one who feels like everyone is leaving all at once. I am loved on this earth as well as from above.

One of my favourite ever songs is ‘Eternal God’ by the one and only Dave Hadden. It’s Old School- like, really- but it’s awesome. It reminds me of being a little girl, when everything was simple (Was it? Really?):

Though the earth should tremble and the oceans roar
And the mountains slip into the sea;
I shall not fear any harm, with your powerful arms around me.

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

Though men’s kingdoms crumble and the nations rage
And rulers and kings come and go;
Yours is the Kingdom unshaken, and You’ve never forsaken Your own!

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

So tomorrow, as I step off the edge of my life as I knew it, I am trusting in the everlasting arms that will catch me before I hit the ground. I’ve seen very little of any Indiana Jones film ever, but I’m just reminded of the ‘step of faith’ in one of them (dunno which one?) – that’s what I need!



To old endings, and new beginnings. Cheers.

Hope and a Future

At Christmas I started writing an awesome post about what I had learned from watching 'Horton Hears a Who' one night before going to bed. I never quite finished it and just went to post it now, only to find that I'd stopped just before I said what I'd actually learned. And now I can't remember. Typical.

So... updates. I'm living in Leeds, back in 'the Eden Project' for now, until 25th February when our contract, and this magnificent era, comes to an end. Where will I stay on 26th February? I have no idea. Like, none. I have a couple of offers in Leeds, and a dream that it might be Newcastle, but in fact I just don't know. It adds to the fun.

At the minute I'm working for NHS Leeds Foundation Trust, as an assistant in Specialised Supported Living houses for adults with learning disabilities. It's the same work that I've have for the past couple of years, only this time round I really love it. Sure it's hard, but it's rewarding and I love the tenants and the staff, I love being a part of their little world for a few hours at a time. I have a job interview on Thursday 11th for an SLT job working with learning disabilities and autism in Newcastle, but if I don't get that I'm not going to rush into getting a job in a field I'm not interested in just for the sake of it- I'll work and volunteer here until the one for me turns up. The more I think about it, the outcome of this interview is a win-win situation, and I'm happy that way :)

I'm slowly building back the life that I almost destroyed last year. I think it's fair to say I was pretty depressed, and let a lot of important friendships go to waste in my stress and despair. Now I'm trying to rebuild the bridges I may have burned, to create a new life for myself in Leeds if that is what is to happen, and to leave on positive terms if that is the way forward. It's interesting, but at last I feel hopeful of the future, whatever it will bring. The Eden era is coming to an end- couple number 2 will be married by the end of this year- but an ending is only the beginning of something new, and I can't wait to see what that will be.

"Team India" gets ready to face the Big Freeze 2010

Transition

Yesterday I moved out of Leeds. It was a sad day, but at the same time it didn't feel particularly real, just like I was going away for the week. It's odd to think that when I come back, things will have changed so much- Leeds as I knew it is gone. It's exciting though as well, knowing that there is so much ahead and that I have good friends that will last a lifetime, whether we live in the same house or on opposite continents.

I decided on Sunday night that I was going to look forward to Nepal after all. I had been dreading it just a little bit- the prospect of living, working, eating, breathing with the same few people that I didn't really know frankly terrified me. But on Sunday night as I was sat with Sarah and Scot and we were talking about our expectations for various trips (Scot's off to Mozambique and Sarah's back to South Africa on Friday) I realised that this is a great opportunity to grow- I might make some more lifetime friends and in the meantime I will learn to become more and more dependant on God's love. I also realised what an amazing group of people I have here- the India crew (including Andy who was at work) will be all over the world but we still have a friendship and a Spirit that unites us.

And partly- why expect the worst when you can expect the best? It's never going to be what I expect anyway, but there is absolutely no point at all in worrying about something that might never happen! Smiles all round :)

Here is a prayer I wrote while I was trying to work out God's love for me. I've linked it because it doesn't really need shouting from the rooftops, but if it can help just one person, just a little bit, then I'm willing to be transparent in my own struggles. I'm so glad that God's love is so strong and his grace is so vast that there is nothing that can separate us from Him any more.

Tired

I'm feeling so tired and overwhelmed I just need to tell someone. But everyone here is very busy and excited about the wedding tomorrow. My housemate's getting married, and I'm being a bridesmaid :). It is exciting, but I just don't have the energy! Mum and Dad are coming to pick up a load of stuff because I'm moving out on Monday, so i was supposed to be packing, but I can't face that either.

8 days til I go to Nepal. Terrifying. There's a blog at slt-nepal.blogspot.com that'll be used to keep people updated about what we're doing while we're there, but hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this one for the more personal stuff too. Today as I was packing my stuff up, I couldn't help but wish a little bit that I was staying in the country and applying for a general Band 5 job like everyone else, inside the NHS where I knew what I was doing and where I was coming from. But God's plans are higher than mine and I'm sure this is part of them, I've never taken the 'normal' route so why start now?

God's good. I'm tired. Bedtime :)

Family

So M:Powered 2009 has been and gone.

What an adventure it was.

I think I probably sat down for about 10 minutes per day (comedy moment in my room when I spent some time deciding whether the bedframe or matress on the floor would be most comfortable then noticed the sofa...nice), but I had possibly the best week so far this year! Definitely the best M:Powered so far this life (but then I am liable to be biased)

There were moments when I think we really did see heaven on earth. Times in meetings where everyone was doing their own thing but all were worshipping God corporately- singing, rapping, dancing, drawing, playing football- chaos but beautiful. There were moments when we tried to end a meeting but we couldn't stop the young people from praising God, so they carried on outside.

I also discovered that my family was bigger and wider and greater than I ever realised. Jen, Chris and Sarah were stars in the areas they served that we were jointly responsible for, but everybody mucked in. I knew that if I ever needed help anything, I only had to ask and 3 people would arrive ready to lend a hand, delegates and leaders. What a team!

I had been so stressed beforehand worrying about the food and the cafe, and whether there would be enough, if people would like it, how everything would fit together, but everything came together perfectly. I finished the week exahusted and with only a few days until I'm off to Nepal (this time in 2 weeks...) but I feel like that was the best possible preparation I could have had before I went. Thank you Jesus :)


I got back to Leeds today a little reluctantly after such a great time at home and away, but realised as soon as I arrived that my family was bigger still! Had some great prayer and soaking time with Danny, Tabs and Scot, some great wedding chats with Tabs and an awesome chick-pea curry. Everywhere I go I'm surrounded by amazing people, I don't know why I ever even worry! Life's good.

Ordinary Radicals

I wrote this in my journal on Monday but I quite like it so thought I would share.

Things that I see around me make me realise I need to change. The heavenly man, irresistible revolution and Danny Gough: all have challenged me this weekend.

• The Heavenly Man: is quite literally a living sacrifice. He spent most of his younger life on the run from, or held captive by, the Chinese authorities. Even when he had escaped China and had a legitimate passport, he was arrested in an airport and spent time in the worst prison of all. Yet through everything he kept praising God. He could have kept quiet and got into less trouble without denying Jesus but he chose not to. His heart was so broken for the lost in prison that he spoke out, no matter what the consequences were.
  
  As it stands at the moment, I'm not willing to do that. I wish I could say that I was but I know that if I was given the opportunity to share the gospel at the cost of even one friendship, I would struggle so much.
  
  
• The Irresistible Revolution: So far, this is a lot less extreme and covers a slightly different issue I guess, but it still requires\the complete surrender of a life. It's the issue of 'sell everything you have and give it to the poor.' How does that work out? How do you bridge the gap between the world's richest and the world's poorest? I want to decrease my 'ecological footprint' - how dare I take up so much earth that other people get none? To me life is precious, but to so many others it has become so cheap. Not from a lack of compassion but out of necessity, a survival mechanism.
  
  And yet here I am, in my nice semi-detached house with all my books and instruments and technology. I have a double bed to myself whilst whole families share a single, if they have a mattress at all. How do I respond?
  
  
• Danny Gough: The real-life man in my house! My challenge is this: while I have complained about my all-Christian surroundings and tried to get out 'into the world' as often as I can, Danny has avoided worldly settings as far as possible yet his actions resulted in someone being saved yesterday! How's that for a challenge?! He was just desperate to share the Good News so he went to the bus stop to find some non-Christians, gave them some cups of tea and shared God's love. Now there's one more in the Kingdom of God and a few others on their way.
  
  May I never disregard a prompting to share the gospel with or pray for a stranger. I have nothing to lose in this country, but they have everything to gain.

A lot of people are doing a lot of amazing things, and I'm aware that I have used the busyness of my course this year as an excuse to live in my own little world and not reach out of it. But oh, how He loves me! Oh, how He loves my neighbours! My course mates! The homeless guy who sits outside the SU!

I am rich, I am rich in love. And I have been blessed with love so that when I see a need for love I can meet it. I have been blessed with grace so that when I see a need for grace, I can meet it. I have been blessed with forgiveness, I have been blessed with salvation.

Daddy, teach me to be an ordinary radical.

Snow fights in the dark

Snow is falling, all around me...

It started snowing on Sunday. It was snowing a little bit as I came back from work in the afternoon, but by the time we sat down in Le Cafetiere, for our traditional sunday-evening hot chocolate and homous, it was snowing good and proper, blizzarding even! There's nothing better than to sit inside in the warm and look out of the window at snow rushing around and landing, sticking and then stopping, then coming back again ten minutes later. So by the time I got home at about 10, the world was already coated in white! I came inside and informed my housemates who were all very excited at the prospect, we booked a snowfight for the morning and I headed up to bed, exhausted. However, just as I was about to settle down for the night there was a knock at the door. "Time for a snowfight, frit?" How could I resist? I pulled on as much snow-proof gear as I could find and we were off.

To say I'm the youngest in the house, it was like a bunch of 10-year-olds who had never seen snow before! (except quieter, I like to think we are considerate neighbours :P) It was every man (and woman) for himself and we had a whole street worth of untouched snow to play with. Sometimes we made snowballs, but kicking the snow was just as effective and a favourite trick was to catch somebody next to a car and just flick it at them (Andy found a particularly effective technique when he trapped Tabs against her own car and scooped handful after handful into her face! No mercy I tell thee...)

There was a moment when we all just stopped and looked. The snow was still falling, and was yellow under the street lights. What makes snow so magical is that it falls silently and so lightly, and just to stand there and look up into the sky, it's beautiful.

Of course that was only a short pause. The continuing snow kept on replinishing our supplies which was very kind! Around eleven o clock Scot arrived from Derby to move in. Of course that called for an initiation ceremony as has never been seen before, as he was pelted with snowballs and then chased down the road by Andy looking like what can only be described as the abominable snowman!

You would run!

We finally retired about 11:30 for cups of tea and an extended punning session, and I slept better that night than I have done in weeks. When we awoke the next morning, it was as tho the snow had never been touched. Magic!