New {One Word 2015}

I didn’t have to think for long to come up with my One Word for 2015.

EVERYTHING is new. My job is just 2 weeks old, my husband will be starting a new job in February, and as a consequence we’re likely to end up with a new house and a new (to us) car. Not doing things by halves!

I am a human being, and that means I’m fairly resistant to change. I am working hard to be excited for it, but so far it’s a conscious choice. We’ve waited a long time for some of these things to happen and they deserve celebration even as they throw up huge extra questions about the rest of our lives.

Hopefully I’ll be able to revisit this one a bit more frequently than I did light, because with all these unknowns I really don’t have much else to say right now. I will leave you with a picture of my NEWest toy:

Happy New Year!

Light

It's that time of year for taking stock of the year that's passed and looking forward to the year to come.

Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, last year I chose One Word to guide me through the year. That word was ‘light’, and I interpreted it in the sense of light that comes from the sun, and a lightness that is not heavy.
In January I was a newlywed, learning a whole different way of life that’s shared and open, all the time. We’d had a month or so off our commitments and were about to dive back into it all. It’s a big change

I’d love to say that my whole year was characterised by light and the sweetness that accompanies it. That wasn’t the case, and I’m sure I’ve shared enough about my challenges online here that you don’t need to hear a lot more! Needless to say, I spent probably six months all but drowning under the pressure of a hectic schedule and responsibilities that were far beyond what I could handle. It was dark, and it was heavy

I had to let go of something, and over the Summer I stepped down from volunteering for a children’s charity that is very close to my heart. Somebody spoke to me over a year ago about my work in that part of the city, that I was to walk lightly on the ground, and I believe part of that was to be able to let go when the time came. Even now I’m gutted not to be a part of it, but I have to trust that others will step up to the plate and build on what I have done.

The light since that time- Wow! In both senses, I have rediscovered the joy of life and can commit to things because I want to without it being an additional burden. All of these crafts that I’ve gotten into are partly because I’ve got the time now, but they also help me to switch off and relax (except when I set myself crazy deadlines...) so that I’m in a better frame of mind for my other activities. I would expect my husband would say he appreciates me not crying on him weekly now, and I’m a much lovelier person too.

So I suppose in a roundabout way, this year has been the journey through a long and winding tunnel to the light. I’m still on my way, learning to set my own limits and prioritise where my energy can go, but there is definitely a lightness to my step that wasn’t there this time last year

Next year’s word will be announced... next year!

Did you have any new year’s resolutions in 2014? How did they go?

On being scared of what you know

Well, hasn’t it been a busy couple of weeks?! The Christmas rush has started early it seems and it’s a long time since my last evening in. I have a TUSAL to catch up with and feedback from the &Stitches competition, but I’ve been itching to get this post out all week so I better do some reflective writing while I feel inspired. Hopefully will get another chance this weekend!

I am an optimist. I love that old non-statistic: “most people spend most of their time worrying about things that will never happen.” I’m also guilty of falling into the ‘most people’ category occasionally.

Sometimes though, I worry about things that I’m certain are just about to happen. What if you know the situation is about to turn bad? What if you’ve been there before? At church this Sunday we were looking at the story where Jesus walks on the water. He’d sent his followers across a lake and said he’d meet them on the other side. His followers were fishermen and knew that lake like the back of their hand. They were used to sailing in the dark. So you better be sure that when they were scared, it wasn’t without good reason!

As I prepare to leave a job I love for another I can only hope to be such a blessing; as I look to the first Christmas I will ever spend away from my parents’ home; I feel like I’m sliding down an old precipice to a dark valley path. It's a path I've walked many times before. My capacity shrinks to that of a tiny Lego man, and the smallest task becomes a mountain. Sometimes it turns to a stream under the volume of tears. 

This week I’ve been following along with the SheReadsTruth ladies as they look at Thankfulness in the Bible (happy Thanksgiving for yesterday!) On Monday we looked at “giving thanks in sorrow”. I can only advise you to read it whether you have a faith or not; the whole thing is so beautiful no snippet can do it justice. This stopped me in my tracks:

You’ve sized up your grief of what was lost, what should be, or what will never be, and felt the sharp pangs of this fallen world. You’ve avoided playing a thanksgiving song because it won’t sound the same as before. But by doing so, you’re withholding one of the most precious tunes the world has ever heard—the tune of Glory.

The first time I walked that path I thought my world would end. Now I sit it out, knowing that eventually it will pass. The fight is shorter, the nights just as long and the morning a welcome relief when it finally comes.

 My challenge is to keep on identifying those amazing things I have to be thankful for. It is to acknowledge the battles I've been through and sing because of it (not in spite of it). My challenge is to step out of the safety of everything I’ve tried before (that failed) onto the choppy seas of fear, keeping my eyes on Jesus and trusting that he has power to calm the storms.

What do you do when the walls fall in?

Like Snowflakes {Listen}

Today I'm linking up with SheLoves Magazine on their monthly theme which for October is "Listen" (Or I would be, but the link-up page seems to be broken. I thought I'd write anyway). Hop over there to see what some excellent writers have to say on the theme. Here's my take:

The 'Life Group' I'm a part of didn't come together like most of the others at our church. We wanted small groups to meet up with that would focus on reaching the area and neighbourhoods that we lived in. Very few people lived on my side of the city, so we thought outside the box. We invited all the local Christians we knew to join in, and a precious cross-congregational fellowship was formed.

Recently we've gained a few new members so this week we decided to each share a little part of our testimony, one or two events that had been turning points or played a part in shaping who we are.

Beautiful.

One by one hearts were opened, and this odd family was welcomed in. As each person shared, others were reminded of events in their own lives that had been further turning points. One shared how they met God all on their own, without another soul talking to them. Another shared how in the vast sea of people at Soul Survivor he had encountered the Holy Spirit for the first time. One shared how faith had just always made sense in life; another shared the long and winding road to discovering who God is. Each story was as valuable as the next; some more familiar than others. But for every one of us, listening to our friends was a reminder of something else God had done, another event that had played a part in moulding us into who we are.


A snowflake is formed by a water particle freezing around a tiny piece of dust, and falling to the earth. The intricate shape of each arm is determined by the atmospheric conditions experienced by the flake as it falls. Every gust of wind; each slight change in temperature or humidity causes the ice crystals to grow in a different way. Because individual snowflakes all follow slightly different paths from the sky to the ground they each encounter different conditions and therefore, each one is unique.

We are like snowflakes, and every experience, every condition, every change of direction determines who we will become. What a privilege to hear those stories and be able to say, 'Thank you for sharing'.

Can you think of events in your life, even seemingly insignificant ones, that have made you who you are today?

Snowflake image credit: Alexey Kljatov

Lead {SheLoves}

Two blog posts in two days, something must be going on! How about a manic month ending with a week off just in time before I’ve completely missed the boat?! September’s SheLoves link up has been on the theme: LEAD. Somehow I’ve really struggled to connect this month. Maybe because I’ve overcommitted on cross-stitching (see previous post) maybe I’ve been a bit under the weather. More likely it’s just a tricky topic for me to relate to openly. Even now, on the last day of September there is so much buzzing around my head about leadership, but nothing that I feel comfortable putting into words. Read some other takes on it here.

Here is the truth: We are all leaders. Every single one of us. Everything we do impacts upon those around us, causes them to live in response to us. Here are some examples:

Last Christmas my car very sadly drove it’s final few miles to the scrap heap. We’ve managed almost a year as a one-car household, and as a consequence I am much fitter as my bicycle frequently carries me to work instead! I have a colleague who recently took advantage of the cycle to work scheme we are offered and over the summer she chose to cycle the 10 miles each way to work and back twice a week, even though she had a fully functional car at home. She’ll openly say she never considered that a possibility until I started to do it.

I have started taking my cross-stitch into work and managing about 10 minutes on it over lunch time, in an attempt to hurry along progress. Now there are two or three craft projects on the go around the dining table.

A friend of mine invited me to an orchestra one time and now I’m a (semi) regular attendee of play days, when previously I hadn’t picked up my violin for 8 years!

Now I am NOT one of those bubbly, always centre-of-attention people. Actually I hate being the centre of attention, that’s why I’ve struggled to write about my “official” leadership positions. But I have changed people’s lifestyles (in these cases, by accident!) But I will happily lead by my life. Just by being myself, I can give others permission to be themselves.

What can / do you do that is a little off-beat, but allows others to be themselves?

How Beautiful

As kids, my brother and I used to love watching a VHS of "Handel's Messiah" being performed. Looking back, that's actually quite odd, but we liked it all the same. My Dad listened to classical music a lot so I guess it came from there. We used to love the affectionately nick-named 'teddy bear man' who played the jubilacious trumpet at the the end.

It makes sense then, that as I have been thinking about the content of this post, a passage from the Messiah has been floating around in my head:

How beautiful upon the mountains
     are the feet of him who brings good news
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
     who publishes salvation,
     who says to Zion, "Your God reigns."
          Isaiah 52:7

For me, bringing good news and glad tidings have been increasingly wrapped up with another verse over the past few years:

He has told you, O man, what is good;
     and what does The Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
     and to walk humbly with your God?
          Micah 6:8

My grown-up theology has come from The Message trust and Eden projects in Manchester, from 24-7 Prayer and Shane Claiborne. People who have given up everything to live in community with the broken. That verse from Micah, that is the trendy mandate in those circles.

Bringing good news has meant doing justice and loving kindness. In turn, doing justice and loving kindness has meant going out onto the streets and meeting those whom Jesus came to save; visiting them in their homes; building relationships with families; giving children and young people an opportunity to encounter God and develop a relationship with him for themselves. You should go and explore the work that Kidz Klub and Space do: they have had a massive impact in my city and continue to bring the love of Jesus to many difficult situations.

This year has been tough. That version of bringing good news doesn't pay the bills so add in a full time job, a new marriage and a small social life, and you get one exhausted Becca. After much soul-searching I have taken the decision to step back from Kidz Klub for a while. It's for the sake of my own health, and to enable me to do the things that remain, well. In the crafting world I'm happy to be 'Jack of all trades, master of none' but where I have responsibility for people's lives I don't think that's acceptable.

This summer has been long and beautiful. I've rediscovered my creative side, bought a basket for my bike, had coffee with friends, done babysitting. It's been lovely. I've joined an orchestra. And I've felt terribly middle-class. Baskets and crochet and summer play-days: they aren't the kind of thing I encounter on the estates. The questions have kept me up at night: What if that means my feet aren't beautiful any more? If I'm not living immersed in a council estate, can I really be following God?

Of course I can. I can do justice with my whole life. I can love kindness in everything I do. And I must walk humbly with my God, constantly handing my life over to him and following His agenda; not mine or anyone else's.

Sarah over at SheLoves wrote this month about how she and her sisters are learning to treat 'Lazy' as a four-letter word. That article spoke straight into my soul, as I learn to rest in God and seek him above all else. One more scripture:

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice,
     the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
          Hosea 6:6

This verse is not an answer. It doesn't tell us to rest; nor does it tell us to do. It tells us to know God, and follow his lead. It is not easy, and there are no one-size-fits-all answers. Here I was facing up to it a couple of weeks ago:

So today I bring you good news: Jesus loves you, and he went to the ends of the earth to save your Spirit and restore friendship between you and God. He has a good and perfect plan for your life, and that does NOT include burning out.

How beautiful...

(PS I still totally love The Message and 24-7 and Shane Claiborne. I have nothing against them, and take full responsibility for my own interpretation of their writing and teachings)

I'm linking up this post with the SheLoves community who are sharing posts on the theme of 'Beautiful' this month. Click here for other takes on the subject

Christmas Day in the Trenches {Authentic}

This month, I've been reading lots of stories from people encouraging me to be authentic. Not to put on a face, not to struggle on through, but to let it all hang out. Some of those stories came from people who have learned that lesson, faced up to their demons and now appear to live in a glorious post-authentic world and the freedom that brings. Others are sending dispatches from right in the trenches, putting their words together between battles.

Me? I think I'm at Christmas Day.

The year was 1914, and British and German soldiers had been living, fighting and dying in close proximity to each other for months. However, on the 25th December an unofficial truce was called, and men from both sides came out onto no-mans-land to exchange greetings and have a game of football. A brief respite before the battle raged on.

This is where I am. I've been battling; but now the summer holidays have come and all is quiet. That doesn't mean I don't know that come 26th August the battle will commence again, only I will be a bit more refreshed for the first couple of weeks at least. 

How to answer when people ask how I'm doing? They didn't hear my masked pleas for help in the heat of the battle, when all raged around me and the best answer I could give to that teasing 'how are you?' question was: 'I'm managing.' To say any better would be a bare-faced lie; to go into more detail would risk dissolving into tears, and there's no time for that when the battle's on and there's managing to be done. Now when they ask it's not lying to say 'fine' and that is all they really want to hear.

Some good friends recently discovered that we had been struggling, but it took us until last week to find a time when we all had a simultaneous free evening. Now that it's Christmas and a truce has been called there was less interest in the battle, but we had a lovely evening and were encouraged to let them know whenever we're struggling again. 

How?! When I'm struggling it's because every evening is filled up. We might label one night date night but we spend it crashed in front of a DVD eating takeaway because it's date night so we're allowed to not cook. All the other nights we barter over who will cook, and eating is the only waking activity we do in the house before crashing into bed. We both frequently comment that we have 'finished' at some point during the day, and all the energy was gone. Whilst watching the Tour de France this year we witnessed the same thing happen to some of the cyclists, but they had been riding 100+ miles a day at 30+ mph for a good few days by that time. That's when I thought that maybe we shouldn't be pushing our bodies to the same point of exhaustion quite so frequently. The moments that aren't spent doing are spent crashing. So when am I supposed to go for that coffee to talk it all through? Not until next Christmas, and the battle's paused again by then. 

I have been deliberately vague about what 'the battle' is. I'm trying hard to be authentic, but also honouring. I am not battling against people or groups; rather there are many circumstances that have combined to make life hard work. Pressures, responsibilities, disappointments.

Maybe I'll tell you over a coffee this holiday if you really want to know. 


I'm linking up with sheloves magazine this month, read more from other writers here.

Power in the name

Today I'm joining in with another #SheReadsTruth link-up, about where we take our name from. I've got lots of blog-gy ideas in my head at the moment but never getting time to commit them to paper (or screen!) I have been enjoying reading through Ruth though, and this study has given me plenty of food for thought. Have a look at other people's take on the story here.

I've written before about my own name here. It led me on a path of discovery about who I was and the words that have been spoken over me my whole life, just when people called me by my name.

 

Today I'm going to write instead about the names we dole out to places and communities. I'm a real believer in the power of our spoken word, that what we say can become prophetic into the spiritual realm as well as on an earthly level around us.

 

There is a prophecy in Isaiah:

For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch. The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give. You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married. (Isaiah 62:1-4 ESV)

We used to pray that over my home city of Liverpool. For anyone who doesn't know, Liverpool has somewhat of a dodgy reputation in the UK. Sure we had the Beatles and some good footballers, but we've also had riots, the streets are a bit messy and unemployment has historically been rife. I remember once going to a festival with some workmates from Leeds and camping next to some scousers. They were friendly and immediately I felt more secure in the surroundings. My friends, however, were on edge. 'Make sure you take everything with you, there are scousers in the next tent!' I was shocked and appalled.

 

So we prayed for a new name over our city. We prayed that 'Hope' would be spoken over it, and 
restoration. We asked to be called, 'my delight is in her'.

Do you know, it matters? It matters to people the reputation of where they live. It matters to children the reputation of their high school. What's the point in trying if no-one from your school ever gets anywhere when they leave? A teacher was recently fatally stabbed in a school in Leeds. It is a good school and this was an isolated incident, but as well as the fear the young people (and staff) now face going into school, they are marked by their uniform as 'from the school where that teacher got stabbed.' There's some negative power in hearing that on a regular basis. We have to stand against it.

 

I think we have a responsibility here. We have a responsibility to pray and lift up our neighbourhoods, our communities, our friends and family. But secondly, we have a responsibility to speak new names over those same groups. We can seek the positives and draw them out into the open, we can restore people and places with our words.

“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then... your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in." (Isaiah 58:6, 7, 12 ESV)

The whole chapter is full of hope and new life. Read it. But we are called to be the restorer of streets. We do that with our actions, but also with our words.

What are the positive words that you can speak over the groups and peoples you encounter, that otherwise might only have negative labels?

Commissioned Moments

Today I'm joining up with a community at #SheReadsTruth. We've been challenged to write from the following reflection: 

Why do we live in the tension of worship and doubt that disables us to share the truth of God’s love? 

You and I are commissioned – authorized by God – to “therefore go and make disciples” who will know Him and live for Him. This is a commandment from Jesus.

Lots of other people have also written, have a look at their thoughts here. Here are mine:

Growing up, I learned to worship God in dance. I learned all the theory; what different parts of the body symbolised and how we could move prophetically. I grew up expressing my praise with my whole being.

I grew a bit older and discovered some people found that a bit weird. I learned that my friends and I had been labelled 'the flag girls' and watched more than one less-than-complementary impression of our 'actions'.

Now I'm older still. I've learned that I can praise and worship my God without having to move at all. I can reflect, I can be so full of awe that even to put on that worshipping face is distracting from what is happening on the inside. But sometimes, I just want to dance. I want to use all my limbs, my body, my balance to express my heart. Then I remember about the flag girls and wonder what that person sitting at the back might think.

Last Friday I encountered Jesus in a way I haven't done since I was a child. On Sunday, I burned on the inside with a conviction that I had a God-given dance. Movements rose inside of me that I knew would inspire and lead others. 'Flag girls' shouted from the back of my mind, urging me to cling to dignity. The song rolled on. How could I ask Jesus for a commission if I wouldn't follow such a simple command? How could I take a step of faith at work if I couldn't take a step in front of my family?

Every step to the front felt like lead. Every movement felt shaky. The chorus rose and fell. The verses came around, and that chorus again. My whole life was laid out in that moment, surrendered. All my pride, every promise, everything I knew and didn't know. That was my commissioning moment, a tiny obedience that broke through the lies of the past and fears of the future.

Since then? Life is busy, and normal. There was no bolt from the sky, but a foundation in my heart that I can follow my commission, one step at a time.

Jane {Hope}

Jane* is a young lady that I met 3 years ago. That label is perhaps a little grand for her just yet; she is still a child, not yet in high school. My first impressions of Jane were that she was the original Wild Child. She could not stay still, she was always shouting, she had no internal checkpoints to tell her what was appropriate. 

Jane comes from a huge family: 13 siblings and counting. Many of her older brothers and sisters have been through the care system, and I have been involved in supporting one of them as she made the transition back home. Last time I visited the family, I heard that two of her older brothers are currently in prison. 
Jane has caused me some trouble over the past few years. She has disobeyed adults who care about her; she has bullied children who wanted to be her friend. She's been rude to a police officer when he challenged her behaviour in the street. Periodically, her behaviour improves dramatically and she tells me proudly that she has received 'star of the week' in school. Mum comes out and tells me how proud she is of Jane's hard work. But there's always something to upset the balance and send things off course again. Once it was when her little sister was born. Once when the kitchen ceiling fell through, inches away from mum's head. It was months before the council found another house for them to move into. 

On the surface, it's a hopeless situation. I can't fix Jane. I've tried, but I'm not enough. All of the signs and role models around her don't offer much hope either. The circumstances seem hopeless, but I've been learning something new. Hope in circumstances is not the same as hope in God**. Our hope doesn't come from what we can see. Our hope comes from above. 

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:24-25, ESV)

Just two streets down from Jane, there is a gentleman who moved to this part of the city as his family grew. He was so shocked by the lack of any provision for young people in the area that he started taking his piano out onto the street for singalongs with all the neighbours. The whole street comes out to join in and make requests. There are many pockets of tangible, real-life hope that can be seen and reported in these places, and I would like to believe that the hours I have poured into those streets will be counted among the examples in years to come.

It would be easy to hold onto these stories as examples of hope for my city, for our world. But if our hope is founded on what we see, then how do we respond to the stories of sickness, unemployment and abuse that also abound? Where will my strength come from as I walk through the dark valleys?

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:3, 13 ESV)

Let's hope in something that won't disappoint.

*   Not her real name
**  This is a brilliant, grounded article that you should read.

Mercy {Five Minute Friday}

I have to confess, I'm not quite all there today. Focussing on anything creative for 5 full minutes is a challenge, not least such an abstract concept. I'm feeling empty, but here's what's left:

Mercy

A lifeline
A hope
A dream not crushed
Love that can't be broken, even though we try so hard
A helping hand
A second, third, hundredth chance

Mercy is what rescues us when we've lost our way. Mercy given is what inspires us, no compels us to go out and rescue others. Mercy by its definition is not deserved, it is entirely unfair but it is just and right.

 STOP

These Streets

Today, I feel quite saturated. I’ve just come home from visiting 40 children who come to kidz klub, plus their parents, older siblings, younger siblings, friends, friends’ parents, etc… I’ve met a lot of people tonight. I’ve walked a lot of streets. But it’s not a one-off; I rode these streets on a bus on Saturday, collecting and returning children. I was there again on Monday visiting older siblings. Yesterday I spent the evening with those siblings just down the road. On Saturday I’ll see them and the cycle will begin all over again.

I enjoyed today. This bizarre Indian summer weather meant that people were outside, they were happy, and leant a feeling of hope to the beginning of term. I enjoyed playing with children and chatting with parents. I loved meeting new people who were positive about kidz klub. Everything went well and I came home satisfied and happy. Is that why I feel I own these streets tonight, because I’m happy on them? What about when summer fades? When it’s wet and windy, or when someone breaks into the car, or takes issue with something that happened on Saturday? Will I still own these streets then? How deep does my compassion run?

I’ve been thinking recently about where I live, and why I’m here. I am part of a group of people who have all been drawn to this place, to this geographical location for a purpose. There are as many different purposes as there are people in the group. But what is my purpose? Why did I choose to move to this run-down part of town that used to be beautiful, in a crumbling house, with neighbours from every walk of life but my own? The story is a long one that runs far back, but ultimately my purpose is this: to love broken people.

Broken people aren’t always nice. They aren’t always happy to see a person of light. They don’t always feel positive and friendly. I am a broken person, I should know. But in my brokenness I have found a hope and a love that comes from beyond me. I may be afflicted in every way, but I am not crushed; I may be perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but never destroyed. My brokenness has been and is being healed by love.

May the saturation continue, in good times and bad. May I continue to look beyond what my eyes can see to the world just beyond this one. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

I sprinkled a couple of bible references from 1 Corinthians 4 in there- can you find them? I’ve got lots more to say about them in a blog I’ve been meaning to write for a couple of weeks, so watch this space for the details.

Climbing off my rocker

"Worry is like a rocking chair-- it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

I am just coming to the end of a lovely week off. It feels a little bit naughty because it wasn't really for any occasion, but it's my first full week off since Christmas so I decided I deserved it. My plan was that while I had all this lovely free time I would write a whole list of blog posts that have been waiting to come out. Instead I slept in lots at the beginning of the week and then got up very early for busy things at the end of the week. So it didn't really work out, and tomorrow I have to be busy and working again so here is my last evening of "freedom".

It's funny actually, what difference a state of mind makes. In real life I have quite a lot of days off and work less than 30 hours in the average week, but those days don't feel like holiday because I have other responsibilities, other things to think about, deadlines hanging over me. Tomorrow I won't do anything I'm being paid for, but I have a full day's work and it's definitely not holiday. I'm learning that there will always be a to-do list, there will always be deadlines, but sometimes I have to put those things away and relax. It's difficult with my working pattern but I'm getting there, slowly.

About the working pattern. I swing between extremes of being desperate for the routine of a regular contract, and dreading the day I ever find myself in one. At the minute I'm enjoying the flexibility of life and the idea of a 9-5 job is horrifying, but as soon as I've written that I'm liable to change my mind. It recently struck me that I do live every week without the guarantee of a single hour's work, but I never doubt that it will come and I guess it's all just a part of living by faith. It's trust.

Every time I think about my life I want to post that song, Trust, again. This year more than any other I have learned that all I can ever do is in God's strength. The week before my break was a particularly difficult one- I had two new SLT clients to meet and no idea what to do with them; long hours of work; awkward situations with friends; a leaky basement that had me up every four hours through the night to empty a bucket and consequent discussions with our landlord. Every day I found that I knew Jesus was with me, I knew that he would take me through the situation and out the other side, but still I was really, really anxious to the extent that I wasn't in a very good mood for most of the week (except for a little while after each obstacle had been faced and overcome...)

So I have a new challenge. I have learned (am still learning) to trust from my spirit, my "know-er" as someone once called it. I know from experience and crazy blind faith that my God loves me and doesn't ask me to do what he won't equip me for. The challenge now is to deal with all that unnecessary worry that doesn't change anything other than the quality of my day and those unfortunate enough to cross my path.

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We never stop learning, hey?

Making me a mountain

This song is my theme tune at the moment. When everything's on top of me, I remind myself of the outcome- I am becoming a mountain that cannot be shaken. Beautiful song.

It's the sweetest thing
To trust you
Just to know
You got everything under control

It's the sweetest thing
To trust you
Just to know
You got everything

You are making me a mountain,
Making me a mountain that cannot be shaken

You are making me a mountain,
Making me a mountain that cannot be moved

High up on a rock
Looking out at the horizon
Watching as the storm rolls in
Wondering if my heart will survive it

As the waves crash all around me
And can't remember what it feels like to be free

I know You're making me a mountain
Making me a mountain that cannot be shaken

You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain that cannot be moved

You say, I've got you my baby, oh I've got you
It's quite the mess you're in but it's nothing Love can't fix
So sit here upon my shoulders and watch as it all unwinds

You are making me a mountain
Making me a mountain that cannot be shaken

I know You're making me a mountain,
Making me a mountain that cannot be moved

M:Powered by Cod for Life

... so said the pens that were once printed for the summer camp- unlucky the print just wasn't clear enough!

So another M:Powered has been and gone. I vaguely remember posting about last year but that seems so long ago now. My overwhelming impression this year was how much my little ones have grown up! Most of them I have known since they started secondary school, and many of them are now starting college. Enough to make an old-timer like me feel, well, old.

But it was a beautiful time. We focussed a lot on going home, and how everything we learned could be transferred into 'real life'. In that sense, only time will tell whether it was a successful week or not! But I believe it was.

I don't really know what else there is to say about M:Powered. I just thought it deserved a post. It was fun. Rachel Munn is my hero.

It's ok!

I just felt that I should reassure anyone who might be a little worried by my latest posts- I'm okay. The world may be rocking and shaking around me but I'm not about to give up or run away! I don't have a clue what the future holds, but I'm chasing after the One who does. Or rather, He's chasing after me. God has my number, you know that? He chases me around telling me about myself.

Paul talks about all the great things he used to do and have:

⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him.

(Philippians 3:7-9)

On Tuesday I went to an event put on by some Bethel students which was really good fun- the Holy Spirit is awesome and I feel as though I've finally joined the 'Bethel Bandwagon' which I've been a little cynical about for some time. Mid-way through the worship this verse just came back to me (and I couldn't find it for AAAAAAGES...) and this is it. Everything that I am, everything that I have is nothing compared with who God is, compared with knowing Him and following His ways. I have been spoiled- no other way of life quite lives up to what I've seen in God!

It's okay.

PS Spotify this:

Passion – Passion: Awakening

The end

Today I reach the end. My world never stretched beyond this. My plans never really considered a moment past this day. Tomorrow I reach the end, and all I know is that I’m working a night shift on Sunday. In a way it’s exciting, but at the same time it’s the most daunting step I ever took. Moving to Loughborough and starting uni were nothing in comparison to this.

I’ve been pretending to be a grown-up all week. I’ve called people to arrange accommodation and storage of my excess stuff (back to living out of a bag…); I’ve cleaned ovens and packed up pans; I’ve worked night shifts to compensate for the fewer hours I’ll be able to work this week. I’ve written newsletters and emailed trusts with the aim of furthering my career. But all the time I still feel like a little girl. Do we ever grow up? Or do we just keep playing more and more complex roles?

I was reflecting on this last night as I struggled to stay awake in those early hours. The toughest thing is that two of my best friends are moving away on the same day, and I’m really not sure what I’ll do without them. Andy and Scot have been rocks to me over the past three years… And at that point I heard a little voice say, “I AM your Rock. I always have been. I always will be.”

Every ending is just a new beginning, right? Tonight we were at the City Church “Family Conference” and there are more changes afoot, more ‘rocks’ are shaking. Not in a bad way; I think we’re just being shaken off the little stones that we thought were so solid and landing on the Rock that will never change. I’m not the only one who’s reached the edge. I’m not the only one who feels like everyone is leaving all at once. I am loved on this earth as well as from above.

One of my favourite ever songs is ‘Eternal God’ by the one and only Dave Hadden. It’s Old School- like, really- but it’s awesome. It reminds me of being a little girl, when everything was simple (Was it? Really?):

Though the earth should tremble and the oceans roar
And the mountains slip into the sea;
I shall not fear any harm, with your powerful arms around me.

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

Though men’s kingdoms crumble and the nations rage
And rulers and kings come and go;
Yours is the Kingdom unshaken, and You’ve never forsaken Your own!

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

So tomorrow, as I step off the edge of my life as I knew it, I am trusting in the everlasting arms that will catch me before I hit the ground. I’ve seen very little of any Indiana Jones film ever, but I’m just reminded of the ‘step of faith’ in one of them (dunno which one?) – that’s what I need!



To old endings, and new beginnings. Cheers.

God Knows My Name!

I love the dance, and believe the lyrics. Enjoy!

Horton Hears a Who

I remembered! Just watched the greatest film of all time with Andy & Scot (whilst enjoying some amazing apple crumble...though I say so myself...) and remembered what it was I was going to write. Here's where I began in December:

The story tells of an elephant called Horton, who finds a speck on which a whole world of tiny creatures live. The speck is floating through the air, at risk of annihilation, so Horton sets off on a mission to take the speck to a cave in the top of a mountain where he believes it will be safe.

Horton is the clown of the jungle. The kids love him, and while most of the mums are happy to leave their children’s education in his hands, no one really takes him seriously. That is, except for the Kangaroo who has appointed herself in charge of the jungle, and ‘pouch-schools’ her roo because Horton encourages the children to use their imaginations. When Horton sets off on his mission, she responds completely disproportionately and tries to destroy Horton as well as the speck, eventually rallying all of the other animals in the jungle to join her. Why not just let him get on with it and all will be forgotten?

Eventually, the Whos of Who-ville manage to make enough noise that the smaller ears of the other jungle animals can hear them and the speck is saved, Horton extends the olive branch to a disgraced Kangaroo and the two take the speck up to the cave together.

I defy anyone to watch this movie and not see any spiritual parallels at all. Classic lines from Kangaroo like, “If you can’t see it, hear it or touch it, it doesn’t exist!” ring true of many people’s attitudes today. The concept of a massive being in the sky beyond the comprehension and wildest imaginings of a tiny Who who’s only ever known his world, seems strangely familiar.

But what struck me when I was watching that time, and again today, was the resolution that Horton held. Nobody takes him seriously, and he doesn't even really take himself seriously. Life is just a game to him, until he realises what a responsibility he is holding in his trunk. He has the speck. The lives of an entire world depend upon him. He finds a resolution to stand up to the kangaroo that everyone is afraid of. He will risk his life on a broken-down suspension bridge. He will chase down a vicious carnivorous bird with a nasty reputation. He will search through millions of clovers to find the one that holds the world he has vowed to protect.

Often, I don't take myself seriously. I have nice thoughts and grand dreams, but that is all they are- thoughts and dreams. I feel emotional about things sometimes and I want to make a difference, but in the harsh daylight I find myself aligning with the status quo, and promising myself that tomorrow, next week, when I have a job, a house, things will be different. It's time to start making decisions now. It's never going to be easy; never going to be the "right time"; but it's always going to be right. If a daft elephant can save some tiny creatures on a speck, how much more can I take a stand to save the people on my planet.

PS- Just came across this whilst looking for images. More food for thought if you were looking.

For His Own Sake!

The other day I was flicking through Isaiah, trying to find the part that talks about what the Messiah will be called. Turns out it's in chapter 9 (and interestingly, names for Father, Son and Spirit are used... but there's one extra... just a thought) but I was way out looking through the back. I got distracted by this verse:

“I—yes, I alone—will blot out your sins for my own sake
and will never think of them again.”
Is 43:25

Now this is the New Living translation, which is a paraphrase, so I thought I should check in a more literal version, because it couldn't really mean that, could it? So I got out my trust NASB and fortunately that page hasn't fallen out of it yet:

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake,
And I will not remember your sins. "

And it's the same! God wipes out our sins for His own sake, not ours! It's not a begrudging, 'oh yes, but just this one more time, ok?' He wipes out our sins not because we beg Him but because He wants to.

That gives us value. We are no longer the hangers-on that got in by the skin of our teeth, but we are of such value to God that He chooses blot out our sins because He wants to, because He values us. He loves us so much.

The Lord says, “I was ready to respond, but no one asked for help.
I was ready to be found, but no one was looking for me.
I said, ‘Here I am, here I am!’
to a nation that did not call on my name.
Is 65:1

He's so there for us. Read the rest of Isaiah 43. He absolutely loves us and wants us to spend time with Him and know Him. That's my challenge this week- just to know Jesus, to spend time with the God who is everywhere (Thy omnipresence turns every spot of earth into holy ground - Tozer).

God is good