Book Review: I Am Malala

I read this book as it was in the book club on the SheLoves Magazine website. I want to write my review before I read the discussion post today but I'm not sure how quickly I'll get this up.

I'm not sure what I was expecting in this book, but I got something completely different. The book begins with a potted history of the nation of Pakistan, then provides some context in the form of Malala's Father's story. It slipped seamlessly into Malala's story without my really noticing. The story itself is a fascinating insight into everyday life in an area ruled by the taliban. If you've ever wondered how cities can be "Taken by the Taliban" or "reclaimed by the army"; or how people live when there is daily fighting in the streets, this book will provide you with at least one perspective.

This book struck me as I started reading it in the week that the Chilcott enquiry was published. This was an enquiry into the UK's role in the Iraq war, and was not complimentary about the decisions made or the processes by which they were reached! To read about the direct impact this had on a rural valley in Pakistan was eye-opening, and the impact that continues is alarming.

I enjoyed that Malala's portrayal of herself is so much more human than those in the media. She was a normal teenage girl, who fought with her best friend and wouldn't share with her brothers. She is so outspoken because she follows the footsteps of her father. She came from the back of beyond but almost without realising became a person of such significance that the foreign hospital she was taken to and the people who took her there were of diplomatic significance. In fact, her survival was of diplomatic significance. It's a real example of how small steps, decisions made every day, can snowball into something that effects a real change in the world.

It's a raw book. I don't think it can have been written very long after the family resettled in Birmingham.  My copy is a newer edition and there is a new interview with Malala at the back. There is a clear contrast between Malala's description of life in the UK in the final chapter of the book vs the interview, and I'm pleased the family seem to be slowly settling though their hearts are clearly still back home.

In summary I would whole-heartedly recommend this book if you have an interest in political history;  an interest in women's rights; or you just like a good autobiography. It may not be the greatest literary classic but if you try you can hear Malala's Pakistani accent in the turns of phrase.

Right, let's see what everyone else thought. The discussion page is here.

A month of 'new's

In an effort to keep my word in mind this year, I'm going to try and update the last week of every month. It's still January, we can be optimistic! So what's new?

I am still very much a 'new girl' at my new job. I'm getting into the swing of it, but only as I try to do things am I realising that I have no idea how the systems work! I'm trying to ask lots of different people for advice so no one person gets too fed up of me. There are a few other newbies that have started since the new year as well which is, well, comforting. It reassures me that I'm not stupid for getting it wrong! One of the challenges is being based in so many different places; I work into a different setting on each of the four days I work. It means that although I've been properly there for four weeks, I still haven't done a full week in any one setting! I think I will feel 'new' for a good while yet.

The new job has led to a few other new lifestyle changes as well- not least that I now have a 4-day working week! This was a conscious decision to try to build in some breathing space to my life, as the burnout of last year has taught me to value. It's a tricky one, because so much in our culture tells us that busyness is value, and to make space without filling it again can be looked down on. This blog has really encouraged me this month to value that space and not be tempted into re-filling it until I'm ready.

We also have a new car! Meet Izzy the I-10:

She's lovely. I am unhappy about becoming a two-car household but now that I'm much more community based and Pete is starting a new job in another town (update on that next month! yay!) it had become unmanageable. Both cars won't be used every day but there is a bit of a bottleneck on activities in the middle of the week, and being able to both do them on the same night means we do get to see each other occasionally through the week as well. TIME is what I'm learning to value this year.

I am considering starting up something new on the blog; I have been missing writing the more reflective posts that used to make up most of it's content, but have recently bought an e-book of '1000 creative writing prompts'. I'm considering having a go at one of those a week as well, just to keep the writing side of me happy. Maybe you could have a go at the same prompt each week, and we could start something?

Finally, I did allow myself to start a new crafting project this week, just for a little while, to stop me going completely crazy. It's the frosted pumpkin stitchery's Once Upon a Time sampler, so there's just a little bit to do each month. Here's how far I got in an hour last night (disclaimer: it's my first time working with evenweave, that stuff messes with your eyes/brain!):

Have you tried anything new for the new year?
Are you up for joining me in a rusty attempt at creative writing?

Light

It's that time of year for taking stock of the year that's passed and looking forward to the year to come.

Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, last year I chose One Word to guide me through the year. That word was ‘light’, and I interpreted it in the sense of light that comes from the sun, and a lightness that is not heavy.
In January I was a newlywed, learning a whole different way of life that’s shared and open, all the time. We’d had a month or so off our commitments and were about to dive back into it all. It’s a big change

I’d love to say that my whole year was characterised by light and the sweetness that accompanies it. That wasn’t the case, and I’m sure I’ve shared enough about my challenges online here that you don’t need to hear a lot more! Needless to say, I spent probably six months all but drowning under the pressure of a hectic schedule and responsibilities that were far beyond what I could handle. It was dark, and it was heavy

I had to let go of something, and over the Summer I stepped down from volunteering for a children’s charity that is very close to my heart. Somebody spoke to me over a year ago about my work in that part of the city, that I was to walk lightly on the ground, and I believe part of that was to be able to let go when the time came. Even now I’m gutted not to be a part of it, but I have to trust that others will step up to the plate and build on what I have done.

The light since that time- Wow! In both senses, I have rediscovered the joy of life and can commit to things because I want to without it being an additional burden. All of these crafts that I’ve gotten into are partly because I’ve got the time now, but they also help me to switch off and relax (except when I set myself crazy deadlines...) so that I’m in a better frame of mind for my other activities. I would expect my husband would say he appreciates me not crying on him weekly now, and I’m a much lovelier person too.

So I suppose in a roundabout way, this year has been the journey through a long and winding tunnel to the light. I’m still on my way, learning to set my own limits and prioritise where my energy can go, but there is definitely a lightness to my step that wasn’t there this time last year

Next year’s word will be announced... next year!

Did you have any new year’s resolutions in 2014? How did they go?

On being scared of what you know

Well, hasn’t it been a busy couple of weeks?! The Christmas rush has started early it seems and it’s a long time since my last evening in. I have a TUSAL to catch up with and feedback from the &Stitches competition, but I’ve been itching to get this post out all week so I better do some reflective writing while I feel inspired. Hopefully will get another chance this weekend!

I am an optimist. I love that old non-statistic: “most people spend most of their time worrying about things that will never happen.” I’m also guilty of falling into the ‘most people’ category occasionally.

Sometimes though, I worry about things that I’m certain are just about to happen. What if you know the situation is about to turn bad? What if you’ve been there before? At church this Sunday we were looking at the story where Jesus walks on the water. He’d sent his followers across a lake and said he’d meet them on the other side. His followers were fishermen and knew that lake like the back of their hand. They were used to sailing in the dark. So you better be sure that when they were scared, it wasn’t without good reason!

As I prepare to leave a job I love for another I can only hope to be such a blessing; as I look to the first Christmas I will ever spend away from my parents’ home; I feel like I’m sliding down an old precipice to a dark valley path. It's a path I've walked many times before. My capacity shrinks to that of a tiny Lego man, and the smallest task becomes a mountain. Sometimes it turns to a stream under the volume of tears. 

This week I’ve been following along with the SheReadsTruth ladies as they look at Thankfulness in the Bible (happy Thanksgiving for yesterday!) On Monday we looked at “giving thanks in sorrow”. I can only advise you to read it whether you have a faith or not; the whole thing is so beautiful no snippet can do it justice. This stopped me in my tracks:

You’ve sized up your grief of what was lost, what should be, or what will never be, and felt the sharp pangs of this fallen world. You’ve avoided playing a thanksgiving song because it won’t sound the same as before. But by doing so, you’re withholding one of the most precious tunes the world has ever heard—the tune of Glory.

The first time I walked that path I thought my world would end. Now I sit it out, knowing that eventually it will pass. The fight is shorter, the nights just as long and the morning a welcome relief when it finally comes.

 My challenge is to keep on identifying those amazing things I have to be thankful for. It is to acknowledge the battles I've been through and sing because of it (not in spite of it). My challenge is to step out of the safety of everything I’ve tried before (that failed) onto the choppy seas of fear, keeping my eyes on Jesus and trusting that he has power to calm the storms.

What do you do when the walls fall in?

Like Snowflakes {Listen}

Today I'm linking up with SheLoves Magazine on their monthly theme which for October is "Listen" (Or I would be, but the link-up page seems to be broken. I thought I'd write anyway). Hop over there to see what some excellent writers have to say on the theme. Here's my take:

The 'Life Group' I'm a part of didn't come together like most of the others at our church. We wanted small groups to meet up with that would focus on reaching the area and neighbourhoods that we lived in. Very few people lived on my side of the city, so we thought outside the box. We invited all the local Christians we knew to join in, and a precious cross-congregational fellowship was formed.

Recently we've gained a few new members so this week we decided to each share a little part of our testimony, one or two events that had been turning points or played a part in shaping who we are.

Beautiful.

One by one hearts were opened, and this odd family was welcomed in. As each person shared, others were reminded of events in their own lives that had been further turning points. One shared how they met God all on their own, without another soul talking to them. Another shared how in the vast sea of people at Soul Survivor he had encountered the Holy Spirit for the first time. One shared how faith had just always made sense in life; another shared the long and winding road to discovering who God is. Each story was as valuable as the next; some more familiar than others. But for every one of us, listening to our friends was a reminder of something else God had done, another event that had played a part in moulding us into who we are.


A snowflake is formed by a water particle freezing around a tiny piece of dust, and falling to the earth. The intricate shape of each arm is determined by the atmospheric conditions experienced by the flake as it falls. Every gust of wind; each slight change in temperature or humidity causes the ice crystals to grow in a different way. Because individual snowflakes all follow slightly different paths from the sky to the ground they each encounter different conditions and therefore, each one is unique.

We are like snowflakes, and every experience, every condition, every change of direction determines who we will become. What a privilege to hear those stories and be able to say, 'Thank you for sharing'.

Can you think of events in your life, even seemingly insignificant ones, that have made you who you are today?

Snowflake image credit: Alexey Kljatov

Lead {SheLoves}

Two blog posts in two days, something must be going on! How about a manic month ending with a week off just in time before I’ve completely missed the boat?! September’s SheLoves link up has been on the theme: LEAD. Somehow I’ve really struggled to connect this month. Maybe because I’ve overcommitted on cross-stitching (see previous post) maybe I’ve been a bit under the weather. More likely it’s just a tricky topic for me to relate to openly. Even now, on the last day of September there is so much buzzing around my head about leadership, but nothing that I feel comfortable putting into words. Read some other takes on it here.

Here is the truth: We are all leaders. Every single one of us. Everything we do impacts upon those around us, causes them to live in response to us. Here are some examples:

Last Christmas my car very sadly drove it’s final few miles to the scrap heap. We’ve managed almost a year as a one-car household, and as a consequence I am much fitter as my bicycle frequently carries me to work instead! I have a colleague who recently took advantage of the cycle to work scheme we are offered and over the summer she chose to cycle the 10 miles each way to work and back twice a week, even though she had a fully functional car at home. She’ll openly say she never considered that a possibility until I started to do it.

I have started taking my cross-stitch into work and managing about 10 minutes on it over lunch time, in an attempt to hurry along progress. Now there are two or three craft projects on the go around the dining table.

A friend of mine invited me to an orchestra one time and now I’m a (semi) regular attendee of play days, when previously I hadn’t picked up my violin for 8 years!

Now I am NOT one of those bubbly, always centre-of-attention people. Actually I hate being the centre of attention, that’s why I’ve struggled to write about my “official” leadership positions. But I have changed people’s lifestyles (in these cases, by accident!) But I will happily lead by my life. Just by being myself, I can give others permission to be themselves.

What can / do you do that is a little off-beat, but allows others to be themselves?

Jane {Hope}

Jane* is a young lady that I met 3 years ago. That label is perhaps a little grand for her just yet; she is still a child, not yet in high school. My first impressions of Jane were that she was the original Wild Child. She could not stay still, she was always shouting, she had no internal checkpoints to tell her what was appropriate. 

Jane comes from a huge family: 13 siblings and counting. Many of her older brothers and sisters have been through the care system, and I have been involved in supporting one of them as she made the transition back home. Last time I visited the family, I heard that two of her older brothers are currently in prison. 
Jane has caused me some trouble over the past few years. She has disobeyed adults who care about her; she has bullied children who wanted to be her friend. She's been rude to a police officer when he challenged her behaviour in the street. Periodically, her behaviour improves dramatically and she tells me proudly that she has received 'star of the week' in school. Mum comes out and tells me how proud she is of Jane's hard work. But there's always something to upset the balance and send things off course again. Once it was when her little sister was born. Once when the kitchen ceiling fell through, inches away from mum's head. It was months before the council found another house for them to move into. 

On the surface, it's a hopeless situation. I can't fix Jane. I've tried, but I'm not enough. All of the signs and role models around her don't offer much hope either. The circumstances seem hopeless, but I've been learning something new. Hope in circumstances is not the same as hope in God**. Our hope doesn't come from what we can see. Our hope comes from above. 

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:24-25, ESV)

Just two streets down from Jane, there is a gentleman who moved to this part of the city as his family grew. He was so shocked by the lack of any provision for young people in the area that he started taking his piano out onto the street for singalongs with all the neighbours. The whole street comes out to join in and make requests. There are many pockets of tangible, real-life hope that can be seen and reported in these places, and I would like to believe that the hours I have poured into those streets will be counted among the examples in years to come.

It would be easy to hold onto these stories as examples of hope for my city, for our world. But if our hope is founded on what we see, then how do we respond to the stories of sickness, unemployment and abuse that also abound? Where will my strength come from as I walk through the dark valleys?

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:3, 13 ESV)

Let's hope in something that won't disappoint.

*   Not her real name
**  This is a brilliant, grounded article that you should read.

Reconciliation is my Heritage

My mum's parents met at war. I'm sure many people of my generation could say the same. But my grandparents didn't meet at a dance, or as they served valiantly alongside each other; no, they were supposed to be enemies. My Grandma was German and my Granddad was British.

I don't actually know any details about how my grandparents met or fell in love. I know that after the war they lived in Germany for some time and my two eldest aunties spoke German before they spoke English. I know that when they did come back to England, it still wasn't cool to be German in the working class north east. Unfortunately their relationship did not last the many challenges that were thrown at it, and my mum knew what it was like to grow up in a broken family before such a thing was common.

But something must have been there; some spark of love or passion that would not be ignored in spite of its impropriety or inappropriacy. I can see those traits coming through in my mum- she feels things deeply and has a conviction in what she does, even if it is not popular with those around her. She has a rebellious compassion that I love.

I know that I often find myself caught in the middle of conflict where I'm inconveniently affiliated to both sides. Like when a couple, whose relationship was as solid as the orbit of the earth around the sun, split up. Or when some best friends left my church under a cloud. Or when I just happen to like two people who don't like each other!

Growing up I loved church; the Sunday morning format of singing and worshiping then sitting and listening worked perfectly for me. But I found myself an oddball amongst the oddballs, drawn to those on who struggled to relate whilst relating perfectly well myself. Always the awkward one, standing in the gap.

Not to say that I have always loved easily; I have carried hurt on others' behalf but felt no rest until I gave it up. I could not deny the hurt that I saw, but neither could I deny the love of Jesus that I knew. I have chosen not to take sides, but to embrace the awkwardness that comes with being on both sides.

I am a product of my history: Reconciliation is my heritage.

I've recently discovered the 'sheloves' magazine. It is full of beautiful stories, and each month invites its readers to join in on a particular theme. This months theme is 'Heritage' and it has really got my imagination going! I'm going to try and post something each week on the theme, just to keep my creative writing juices flowing. There's so much to be drawn from looking into the past.

A Perfect Afternoon

I was lost in an old world, revisiting times gone by in a book about the Message Trust, a quality bunch of people who shaped my teenage years and are probably responsible for the place in which I find myself today.

"Beep-beep, beep-beep"

A text message brought me back to the present day. Relaxed on my bed, an autumn sun was streaming through the window. Colbie Caillat was playing bubbly, hopeful music. The name on the text made me smile. Today, life is good.

Climbing off my rocker

"Worry is like a rocking chair-- it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

I am just coming to the end of a lovely week off. It feels a little bit naughty because it wasn't really for any occasion, but it's my first full week off since Christmas so I decided I deserved it. My plan was that while I had all this lovely free time I would write a whole list of blog posts that have been waiting to come out. Instead I slept in lots at the beginning of the week and then got up very early for busy things at the end of the week. So it didn't really work out, and tomorrow I have to be busy and working again so here is my last evening of "freedom".

It's funny actually, what difference a state of mind makes. In real life I have quite a lot of days off and work less than 30 hours in the average week, but those days don't feel like holiday because I have other responsibilities, other things to think about, deadlines hanging over me. Tomorrow I won't do anything I'm being paid for, but I have a full day's work and it's definitely not holiday. I'm learning that there will always be a to-do list, there will always be deadlines, but sometimes I have to put those things away and relax. It's difficult with my working pattern but I'm getting there, slowly.

About the working pattern. I swing between extremes of being desperate for the routine of a regular contract, and dreading the day I ever find myself in one. At the minute I'm enjoying the flexibility of life and the idea of a 9-5 job is horrifying, but as soon as I've written that I'm liable to change my mind. It recently struck me that I do live every week without the guarantee of a single hour's work, but I never doubt that it will come and I guess it's all just a part of living by faith. It's trust.

Every time I think about my life I want to post that song, Trust, again. This year more than any other I have learned that all I can ever do is in God's strength. The week before my break was a particularly difficult one- I had two new SLT clients to meet and no idea what to do with them; long hours of work; awkward situations with friends; a leaky basement that had me up every four hours through the night to empty a bucket and consequent discussions with our landlord. Every day I found that I knew Jesus was with me, I knew that he would take me through the situation and out the other side, but still I was really, really anxious to the extent that I wasn't in a very good mood for most of the week (except for a little while after each obstacle had been faced and overcome...)

So I have a new challenge. I have learned (am still learning) to trust from my spirit, my "know-er" as someone once called it. I know from experience and crazy blind faith that my God loves me and doesn't ask me to do what he won't equip me for. The challenge now is to deal with all that unnecessary worry that doesn't change anything other than the quality of my day and those unfortunate enough to cross my path.

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We never stop learning, hey?

I've always been a late starter...

I wrote this on my way to Sheffield to bring in the new year with some very good friends of mine. At the time I didn't think it warranted posting but as we begin the second month of this year already, maybe it's worth acknowledging that the old one has passed. Here goes...

So, it's the end of 2010.
I'm not really ready for this year to end I don't think, but it's ending so I guess I better get on with it. I kind of hoped I'd be ready for life by the time 2011 rolled around, but here I am still floating. So what has 2010 held for me?

January: I returned to Leeds to work on the bank, apply for jobs and live in Eden. And that's just what I did- worked lots, lived with Scot and Andy, and tried to catch up with a world that had changed almost beyond recognition when I left it in aug 09.

February: Kidz klub came around. I met this crazy American girl who shared my name. Lots of girls group events where only 'older ones' came. The Eden era ended and I moved to Ben & Hannah's house.

March: How long will I be staying? I made half-hearted attempts to find somewhere to live, but not really. I visited Kidz klub and discovered that it really was as good in real life as it looked on the video. Applied immediately and had my first week on team on matt's 21st birthday. Went on a mission to buy American foods for the occasion.

April: Easter rolled round and still no house, still no job. Decided to stay put til July- the Jones's were wonderful and continued to put up with me. Other than that I don't really remember... maybe started bible studies with Becca K? She fast became a very special friend.

May: Still working, still at Kidz klub. A growing desire to live somewhere that I could continue Kidz klub work as I got to know and love the kids in the neighbourhood more and more. My birthday=anticlimax

June: Jess & Ben got married; that day the Harehills home plan was hatched. I got an email from Pete Larkum about this project called the Challenge in London- thought I may as well apply and got the job with a week or two notice! Maj & Seb got married and moved to London, but before that I stayed with Amy r and went to their party. Oh, also stayed with JC one time- random!

July: The Challenge! Four crazy weeks in London with inner-city gangsta teens learning enterprise skills that no-one wanted. Lots of fun but I never want to live in the capital long-term. Stayed with M&S to finish.

August: Catch up month. Leah got married; M:Powered happened and I spent awesome times with Rach Munn. Worked lots to make up for 5 weeks off. Lived in ore's flat and house-hunted like crazy. Moved to Harehills!

September: by far the most ridiculous month. New housemates, weekends in London (staying with Tim & Chloe, Maj & Seb), working, Kidz klub visits, students, german. Insane.

October: back to Saturday kk with no Becca- sad! But still hectic. I did PMVA training only to find Ruth B on the same 5-day course! Ben came to stay in half term for a birthday treat then I went home. Began to settle back into weekly church attendance after months of weekend youth work.

November: Bonfire night is my favourite of the year! We went to Roundhay then had a party at ours. Space started and I'm fairly sure I broke my toe. First night shift at Parkwood. Started doing SLT for Anne franklin. Started attending intensive interaction cafe. It snowed, lots.

December: More snow, more speech therapy, more work! We gave out hampers and Kidz klub wound up. I caught flu, then stayed at brian's house for a week, all throughout 2 weeks of solid work. Came home for Christmas, dad was ill, matt trapped in Kenosha, but all came good in the end. New year in Sheffield...


Wow, who knew all that could happen in just one year! There's lots more detail that has been left out. I guess maybe I am ready for the new year now. It's been a long one but I have come full circle and I'm back to the focused position I was last year, if a little tireder and hopefully more wise. What am I looking forward to this year?

• More speech therapy, in whatever guise it presents itself.
• Building some more long-term friendships with people outside of an organised setting. Building up a network that is relationship-based.
• Weddings! Lauren, Tilley, Andy, Mike & Amy. How many more?!
• Community.
• Calling home more. Calling people more. One month I'd like to run out of minutes, just because I'm talking to people lots.
• Making time to visit people and receive visitors. Practicing hospitality.
• Loving Jesus more than I think possible at the moment!!

Not a Minority Mindset

Wednesday was a busy day. My bike was in the shop getting some working breaks fitted so I had to get up super-early to make the 40 minute walk to work in time to arrive by 7. It was a busy shift with such adventures as the boiler breaking and having to wash the old-fashioned way by pouring kettles of water into the bath. Fun times! It was also kidz klub visiting day- the first time back after half term so I was looking forward to getting out and seeing all the kids again, though not excited at the prospect of the rain and drizzle that has been falling from the sky all week! A series of events meant that I had to make it into town and out again within an hour of finishing work to pick up our visiting pack with all the colouring sheets we take out to the kids, so I jumped onto the bus after work.

Sitting there, catching my breath and minding my own business, a couple of people got onto the bus and started having a fairly loud conversation just behind me. I defy anyone to sit on the bus and not listen to the conversations going on around them- the human being is innately nosey (but what's most fun is to try and imagine what the people you can hear behind you will look like, and being surprised by how inaccurate you were when you/they get off). So these people were talking, and one girl was describing her job and what she did- it was some kind of charity. She went on to describe how there could sometimes be conflict between Christian and non-Christian service users and staff, and how that was a shame, and then started talking about her church and an event that was happening soon. Hmm, I thought, another Christian on the bus! So often I assume that I am the only Christian in whatever environment I find myself. That's not a bad thing in itself, but it can feel lonely sometimes.

As I was getting off the bus (and had a quick peek behind me- as always my imagined image of these two was very far from the truth!) I overheard a couple of old ladies talking about the new Christian bookshop that's just opened in Leeds near the bus stop, and whether they'd been in there yet. This bus is full of Christians!! I carried on my way, a little amused by what had happened.

Visiting pack collected, it was cold and wet and the prospect of walking home in order to walk for another two hours was just too much, so I opted for the bus again. I stepped inside the bus stop to shelter from the wind and rain, and the only other lady there was on the phone. "Don't worry," she was saying, "only God knows our future. Just trust in Him." Seriously. Christians everywhere!! It made me smile to myself that everywhere I went, people were relying on and trusting in God. I'm part of a big family, and it's good to remember that.

I'll take any excuse to post a video, and this one's pretty clever, though maybe be careful if you get motion sickness...

M:Powered by Cod for Life

... so said the pens that were once printed for the summer camp- unlucky the print just wasn't clear enough!

So another M:Powered has been and gone. I vaguely remember posting about last year but that seems so long ago now. My overwhelming impression this year was how much my little ones have grown up! Most of them I have known since they started secondary school, and many of them are now starting college. Enough to make an old-timer like me feel, well, old.

But it was a beautiful time. We focussed a lot on going home, and how everything we learned could be transferred into 'real life'. In that sense, only time will tell whether it was a successful week or not! But I believe it was.

I don't really know what else there is to say about M:Powered. I just thought it deserved a post. It was fun. Rachel Munn is my hero.

The end

Today I reach the end. My world never stretched beyond this. My plans never really considered a moment past this day. Tomorrow I reach the end, and all I know is that I’m working a night shift on Sunday. In a way it’s exciting, but at the same time it’s the most daunting step I ever took. Moving to Loughborough and starting uni were nothing in comparison to this.

I’ve been pretending to be a grown-up all week. I’ve called people to arrange accommodation and storage of my excess stuff (back to living out of a bag…); I’ve cleaned ovens and packed up pans; I’ve worked night shifts to compensate for the fewer hours I’ll be able to work this week. I’ve written newsletters and emailed trusts with the aim of furthering my career. But all the time I still feel like a little girl. Do we ever grow up? Or do we just keep playing more and more complex roles?

I was reflecting on this last night as I struggled to stay awake in those early hours. The toughest thing is that two of my best friends are moving away on the same day, and I’m really not sure what I’ll do without them. Andy and Scot have been rocks to me over the past three years… And at that point I heard a little voice say, “I AM your Rock. I always have been. I always will be.”

Every ending is just a new beginning, right? Tonight we were at the City Church “Family Conference” and there are more changes afoot, more ‘rocks’ are shaking. Not in a bad way; I think we’re just being shaken off the little stones that we thought were so solid and landing on the Rock that will never change. I’m not the only one who’s reached the edge. I’m not the only one who feels like everyone is leaving all at once. I am loved on this earth as well as from above.

One of my favourite ever songs is ‘Eternal God’ by the one and only Dave Hadden. It’s Old School- like, really- but it’s awesome. It reminds me of being a little girl, when everything was simple (Was it? Really?):

Though the earth should tremble and the oceans roar
And the mountains slip into the sea;
I shall not fear any harm, with your powerful arms around me.

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

Though men’s kingdoms crumble and the nations rage
And rulers and kings come and go;
Yours is the Kingdom unshaken, and You’ve never forsaken Your own!

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

So tomorrow, as I step off the edge of my life as I knew it, I am trusting in the everlasting arms that will catch me before I hit the ground. I’ve seen very little of any Indiana Jones film ever, but I’m just reminded of the ‘step of faith’ in one of them (dunno which one?) – that’s what I need!



To old endings, and new beginnings. Cheers.

Horton Hears a Who

I remembered! Just watched the greatest film of all time with Andy & Scot (whilst enjoying some amazing apple crumble...though I say so myself...) and remembered what it was I was going to write. Here's where I began in December:

The story tells of an elephant called Horton, who finds a speck on which a whole world of tiny creatures live. The speck is floating through the air, at risk of annihilation, so Horton sets off on a mission to take the speck to a cave in the top of a mountain where he believes it will be safe.

Horton is the clown of the jungle. The kids love him, and while most of the mums are happy to leave their children’s education in his hands, no one really takes him seriously. That is, except for the Kangaroo who has appointed herself in charge of the jungle, and ‘pouch-schools’ her roo because Horton encourages the children to use their imaginations. When Horton sets off on his mission, she responds completely disproportionately and tries to destroy Horton as well as the speck, eventually rallying all of the other animals in the jungle to join her. Why not just let him get on with it and all will be forgotten?

Eventually, the Whos of Who-ville manage to make enough noise that the smaller ears of the other jungle animals can hear them and the speck is saved, Horton extends the olive branch to a disgraced Kangaroo and the two take the speck up to the cave together.

I defy anyone to watch this movie and not see any spiritual parallels at all. Classic lines from Kangaroo like, “If you can’t see it, hear it or touch it, it doesn’t exist!” ring true of many people’s attitudes today. The concept of a massive being in the sky beyond the comprehension and wildest imaginings of a tiny Who who’s only ever known his world, seems strangely familiar.

But what struck me when I was watching that time, and again today, was the resolution that Horton held. Nobody takes him seriously, and he doesn't even really take himself seriously. Life is just a game to him, until he realises what a responsibility he is holding in his trunk. He has the speck. The lives of an entire world depend upon him. He finds a resolution to stand up to the kangaroo that everyone is afraid of. He will risk his life on a broken-down suspension bridge. He will chase down a vicious carnivorous bird with a nasty reputation. He will search through millions of clovers to find the one that holds the world he has vowed to protect.

Often, I don't take myself seriously. I have nice thoughts and grand dreams, but that is all they are- thoughts and dreams. I feel emotional about things sometimes and I want to make a difference, but in the harsh daylight I find myself aligning with the status quo, and promising myself that tomorrow, next week, when I have a job, a house, things will be different. It's time to start making decisions now. It's never going to be easy; never going to be the "right time"; but it's always going to be right. If a daft elephant can save some tiny creatures on a speck, how much more can I take a stand to save the people on my planet.

PS- Just came across this whilst looking for images. More food for thought if you were looking.

Hope and a Future

At Christmas I started writing an awesome post about what I had learned from watching 'Horton Hears a Who' one night before going to bed. I never quite finished it and just went to post it now, only to find that I'd stopped just before I said what I'd actually learned. And now I can't remember. Typical.

So... updates. I'm living in Leeds, back in 'the Eden Project' for now, until 25th February when our contract, and this magnificent era, comes to an end. Where will I stay on 26th February? I have no idea. Like, none. I have a couple of offers in Leeds, and a dream that it might be Newcastle, but in fact I just don't know. It adds to the fun.

At the minute I'm working for NHS Leeds Foundation Trust, as an assistant in Specialised Supported Living houses for adults with learning disabilities. It's the same work that I've have for the past couple of years, only this time round I really love it. Sure it's hard, but it's rewarding and I love the tenants and the staff, I love being a part of their little world for a few hours at a time. I have a job interview on Thursday 11th for an SLT job working with learning disabilities and autism in Newcastle, but if I don't get that I'm not going to rush into getting a job in a field I'm not interested in just for the sake of it- I'll work and volunteer here until the one for me turns up. The more I think about it, the outcome of this interview is a win-win situation, and I'm happy that way :)

I'm slowly building back the life that I almost destroyed last year. I think it's fair to say I was pretty depressed, and let a lot of important friendships go to waste in my stress and despair. Now I'm trying to rebuild the bridges I may have burned, to create a new life for myself in Leeds if that is what is to happen, and to leave on positive terms if that is the way forward. It's interesting, but at last I feel hopeful of the future, whatever it will bring. The Eden era is coming to an end- couple number 2 will be married by the end of this year- but an ending is only the beginning of something new, and I can't wait to see what that will be.

"Team India" gets ready to face the Big Freeze 2010

Removing the Mask

I wrote this aaaaaaaaaaaages ago in Nepal (like, beginning of October) but never got around to typing it up. I think it's still true and relevent though, so- better late than never!

I hope that when I return from Nepal, for the first few weeks people worry about my spiritual state.

My study on church took me to some surprising places. For those who read all the scriptures attached, my reference to Ananias and Saphira may have seemed a little morbid and unnecessary. But actually, it has taught me a lot about the huge importance of honesty within the church. The full story is here.

There were awesome things happening in the church. People were being saved by the day, miracles were happening all over the place and the believers were giving everything they had to support each other, in one big happy family.

But Ananias and Saphira don't seem to have been so convinced. Maybe they were newly saved and hadn't quite seen the full picture yet. Maybe they'd been two of the first and didn't know what to make of the massive growth that was going on. Either way, They had a reputation to keep up so when they sold their field, nobody could know that they'd kept something back.

There are many times when I have been in that position. I've been offered prayer but preferred to listen to others' weaknesses than disclose my own, brushing off their kind offers with a well-practiced smile. I've led people in prayers and Bible study, all the while resenting the hours of my day that it took up.

There's no life in putting on a brave face. There's no cohesion in saying one thing and meaning another. How are we to support one another if we don't even know where the weaknesses lie? Deception leads to death, because there is no one to sow life into us.

Here is a song that spoke to me about halfway through last year. When I first heard it, it broke me, but somehow I never quite translated it into action. Let it challenge you and change you.



So when I return, if I tell you I'm having a bad day or I'm not sure what I believe any more, don't worry- be glad. And please, don't try to be perfect. Set your sights on the things of heaven (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control) then let it all hang out, and lets support each other.

What is Church?

As I walked home from ‘church’ the other day, considering my experiences in Nepal, what I missed from England and the home groups I had heard about, I began to re-assess my concept of church, what it means to be part of church, and the role of church in my life as a Christian.

The more time I spend in Nepal, the more I come to understand my motives for coming here- some of them conscious, but many of them unconscious. One reason, though I didn’t admit it even to myself at the time, was that I was running away. I felt a pressure to ‘conform’ to the Christianity around me; I was challenged by those running beside me as they pressed on towards the finish line (Phil 3:13-14) and I felt that I was limping behind. I felt like church demanded more of me than I was willing to give, and that never leads to life (Acts 5:1-12).

But here, I have come to realize and learned from the very inside out that Christianity is about relationship. First and foremost, it is a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Father who made us and the Spirit who lives in us (Eph 1:4-5). But secondly, it’s about our relationships with each other: sharing the life that is in us, learning from each others’ trials and triumphs and celebrating in the glory of our God (John 13:34-35). This is where church comes in.

Church is the collective name for a group of people who have become one (Eph 4:4-5). Church is those with whom we share life (Heb 10:24) Church happens in coffee shops all over the world where people meet to talk about what is happening in their lives and encourage each other with stories of God’s work. Church happens in the emails I send to my friends along a very similar theme (Acts 2:44-46). Church happens when the part of the body with a car helps the part without to move house (Eph 4:16). Church also happens in bible studies and small groups where people set aside structured time to learn about God togeher. Church is fun and friendship- it is also accountability and challenge.

On Sunday mornings, members of this body have formed a habit of meeting with a wider group (Heb 10:25)- people they would otherwise never cross paths with- from different demographic groups, of different social status, with opposite personalities and interests (1 Cor 12:12-13). They are united by one thing- their love for their Saviour, and they come together to celebrate this. From this mixing pot of people can spark new relationships, new opportunities to extend love, new chances to sow into and learn from others. And so as the church meets, the Church is born.

Family

So M:Powered 2009 has been and gone.

What an adventure it was.

I think I probably sat down for about 10 minutes per day (comedy moment in my room when I spent some time deciding whether the bedframe or matress on the floor would be most comfortable then noticed the sofa...nice), but I had possibly the best week so far this year! Definitely the best M:Powered so far this life (but then I am liable to be biased)

There were moments when I think we really did see heaven on earth. Times in meetings where everyone was doing their own thing but all were worshipping God corporately- singing, rapping, dancing, drawing, playing football- chaos but beautiful. There were moments when we tried to end a meeting but we couldn't stop the young people from praising God, so they carried on outside.

I also discovered that my family was bigger and wider and greater than I ever realised. Jen, Chris and Sarah were stars in the areas they served that we were jointly responsible for, but everybody mucked in. I knew that if I ever needed help anything, I only had to ask and 3 people would arrive ready to lend a hand, delegates and leaders. What a team!

I had been so stressed beforehand worrying about the food and the cafe, and whether there would be enough, if people would like it, how everything would fit together, but everything came together perfectly. I finished the week exahusted and with only a few days until I'm off to Nepal (this time in 2 weeks...) but I feel like that was the best possible preparation I could have had before I went. Thank you Jesus :)


I got back to Leeds today a little reluctantly after such a great time at home and away, but realised as soon as I arrived that my family was bigger still! Had some great prayer and soaking time with Danny, Tabs and Scot, some great wedding chats with Tabs and an awesome chick-pea curry. Everywhere I go I'm surrounded by amazing people, I don't know why I ever even worry! Life's good.

Rambling and Reflecting to Myself

Today was a good day. A long and interesting day, but definitely good.

I spent most of the day in Leicester at a Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists (RCSLT) study day. This panned out better than I expected. The talks were on bilingualism (my dissertation topic), 'dynamic assessment' (never heard of this before so it was new and interesting, SLT with autistic children (see below) and then some advice about starting new jobs (always helpful).

The 'autism' talk had a funny effect on me. The speaker was brilliant- so engaging and to the point, yet what got me was her compassion for the parents of the children she sees. Obviously this is a little bit close to home, but when Ben was diagnosed I was only young myself really, I didn't fully understand and I had no concept of developmental norms- no idea what kids should be doing at what age- he was the only child I'd seen develop from birth. But my parents did know what they were expecting, and that's not quite what they got. (Don't get me wrong, I love Ben to bits and wouldn't change him for the world, he's growing up to be a fine young man and I'm proud of him, though not looking forward to the day he grows taller than me!)

So this lady, Gina, described her process of assessment and therapy, but at every stage advocating the feelings of the parents. She explained what we label 'denial' in the early stages is actually just a tired anxious parent clinging on to a thread of hope for their beautiful child to be able to speak one day (she sees children with quite severe autism). She described a disaster scenario in which the child comes into the clinic room, screams for the entire session and destroys everything in sight, but that it is most important, not to clear the clinic room but to show understanding to the parents, let them know that we know bad days happen, but we're willing to try again, to avoid such shame and embarrassment that the parent daren't come back. I can't remember other specifics but all the way through there was this consideration, this compassion, for the distraught, concerned and regularly teetering 'on-the-edge' group.

I feel for parents who once had a sense of order, of control over their lives, but now find themselves living in chaos. The house is a mess because every time they tidy up, something else is 'explored' all over the floor. Every time they clean, a sticky drink is poured out because it makes a nice noise. And then, out of the blue, there is a tantrum that would have the neighbours talking about 'what goes on nextdoor' because a routine they didn't even know existed, has been disrupted. And all the while this beautiful child that they love with all their hearts and had such huge dreams for, won't talk, won't respond, won't even look at them. It is heartbreaking, you do need to hold onto hope.

I'm not relating all of the above to the experiences of my family at all, but that's what pricked my ears and what has led me to hear of these situations in other families. I realise I'm just emphasising one small aspect of a huge issue here, but it's really just so I can work out what I think in my own head, and this is the bit that caught me. She also did some wonderful demonstrations of how to engage a child's attention and develop meaningful communication, and made another interesting point about the common inability of autistic people to forget experiences, positive or negative. Hm.

And the bilingualism talk, ah, I love it. I'm such a wannabe, hehe. I spent the evening on Monday with some friends who are originally from Pakistan and they were talking about the culture and the differences between there and here and all of a sudden I felt so...monolingual and one-dimensional! There's such a richness and depth that comes from merging cultures and being able to function across them, it's fascinating.

~*~

My train back to Leeds took me through Sheffield, and I felt it would be a sin to get off a train in Sheffield and not tell Tilley! It worked out great in the end, we went for a lovely meal in HaHa, stopped by her flat for about 5 minutes and then I came home [leaving all my wonderful notes and the green tea & cranberry teabag Tilley had given me on the train...gutted :( ] and here we are!

A long day. An interesting day. But definately good.