The end

Today I reach the end. My world never stretched beyond this. My plans never really considered a moment past this day. Tomorrow I reach the end, and all I know is that I’m working a night shift on Sunday. In a way it’s exciting, but at the same time it’s the most daunting step I ever took. Moving to Loughborough and starting uni were nothing in comparison to this.

I’ve been pretending to be a grown-up all week. I’ve called people to arrange accommodation and storage of my excess stuff (back to living out of a bag…); I’ve cleaned ovens and packed up pans; I’ve worked night shifts to compensate for the fewer hours I’ll be able to work this week. I’ve written newsletters and emailed trusts with the aim of furthering my career. But all the time I still feel like a little girl. Do we ever grow up? Or do we just keep playing more and more complex roles?

I was reflecting on this last night as I struggled to stay awake in those early hours. The toughest thing is that two of my best friends are moving away on the same day, and I’m really not sure what I’ll do without them. Andy and Scot have been rocks to me over the past three years… And at that point I heard a little voice say, “I AM your Rock. I always have been. I always will be.”

Every ending is just a new beginning, right? Tonight we were at the City Church “Family Conference” and there are more changes afoot, more ‘rocks’ are shaking. Not in a bad way; I think we’re just being shaken off the little stones that we thought were so solid and landing on the Rock that will never change. I’m not the only one who’s reached the edge. I’m not the only one who feels like everyone is leaving all at once. I am loved on this earth as well as from above.

One of my favourite ever songs is ‘Eternal God’ by the one and only Dave Hadden. It’s Old School- like, really- but it’s awesome. It reminds me of being a little girl, when everything was simple (Was it? Really?):

Though the earth should tremble and the oceans roar
And the mountains slip into the sea;
I shall not fear any harm, with your powerful arms around me.

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

Though men’s kingdoms crumble and the nations rage
And rulers and kings come and go;
Yours is the Kingdom unshaken, and You’ve never forsaken Your own!

I worship You, Eternal God
I worship You, the Unchanging One
Before the angels ever sang one song
Before the morning star had ever shone
You were on Your throne,
Eternal God

So tomorrow, as I step off the edge of my life as I knew it, I am trusting in the everlasting arms that will catch me before I hit the ground. I’ve seen very little of any Indiana Jones film ever, but I’m just reminded of the ‘step of faith’ in one of them (dunno which one?) – that’s what I need!



To old endings, and new beginnings. Cheers.

God Knows My Name!

I love the dance, and believe the lyrics. Enjoy!

Horton Hears a Who

I remembered! Just watched the greatest film of all time with Andy & Scot (whilst enjoying some amazing apple crumble...though I say so myself...) and remembered what it was I was going to write. Here's where I began in December:

The story tells of an elephant called Horton, who finds a speck on which a whole world of tiny creatures live. The speck is floating through the air, at risk of annihilation, so Horton sets off on a mission to take the speck to a cave in the top of a mountain where he believes it will be safe.

Horton is the clown of the jungle. The kids love him, and while most of the mums are happy to leave their children’s education in his hands, no one really takes him seriously. That is, except for the Kangaroo who has appointed herself in charge of the jungle, and ‘pouch-schools’ her roo because Horton encourages the children to use their imaginations. When Horton sets off on his mission, she responds completely disproportionately and tries to destroy Horton as well as the speck, eventually rallying all of the other animals in the jungle to join her. Why not just let him get on with it and all will be forgotten?

Eventually, the Whos of Who-ville manage to make enough noise that the smaller ears of the other jungle animals can hear them and the speck is saved, Horton extends the olive branch to a disgraced Kangaroo and the two take the speck up to the cave together.

I defy anyone to watch this movie and not see any spiritual parallels at all. Classic lines from Kangaroo like, “If you can’t see it, hear it or touch it, it doesn’t exist!” ring true of many people’s attitudes today. The concept of a massive being in the sky beyond the comprehension and wildest imaginings of a tiny Who who’s only ever known his world, seems strangely familiar.

But what struck me when I was watching that time, and again today, was the resolution that Horton held. Nobody takes him seriously, and he doesn't even really take himself seriously. Life is just a game to him, until he realises what a responsibility he is holding in his trunk. He has the speck. The lives of an entire world depend upon him. He finds a resolution to stand up to the kangaroo that everyone is afraid of. He will risk his life on a broken-down suspension bridge. He will chase down a vicious carnivorous bird with a nasty reputation. He will search through millions of clovers to find the one that holds the world he has vowed to protect.

Often, I don't take myself seriously. I have nice thoughts and grand dreams, but that is all they are- thoughts and dreams. I feel emotional about things sometimes and I want to make a difference, but in the harsh daylight I find myself aligning with the status quo, and promising myself that tomorrow, next week, when I have a job, a house, things will be different. It's time to start making decisions now. It's never going to be easy; never going to be the "right time"; but it's always going to be right. If a daft elephant can save some tiny creatures on a speck, how much more can I take a stand to save the people on my planet.

PS- Just came across this whilst looking for images. More food for thought if you were looking.

Hope and a Future

At Christmas I started writing an awesome post about what I had learned from watching 'Horton Hears a Who' one night before going to bed. I never quite finished it and just went to post it now, only to find that I'd stopped just before I said what I'd actually learned. And now I can't remember. Typical.

So... updates. I'm living in Leeds, back in 'the Eden Project' for now, until 25th February when our contract, and this magnificent era, comes to an end. Where will I stay on 26th February? I have no idea. Like, none. I have a couple of offers in Leeds, and a dream that it might be Newcastle, but in fact I just don't know. It adds to the fun.

At the minute I'm working for NHS Leeds Foundation Trust, as an assistant in Specialised Supported Living houses for adults with learning disabilities. It's the same work that I've have for the past couple of years, only this time round I really love it. Sure it's hard, but it's rewarding and I love the tenants and the staff, I love being a part of their little world for a few hours at a time. I have a job interview on Thursday 11th for an SLT job working with learning disabilities and autism in Newcastle, but if I don't get that I'm not going to rush into getting a job in a field I'm not interested in just for the sake of it- I'll work and volunteer here until the one for me turns up. The more I think about it, the outcome of this interview is a win-win situation, and I'm happy that way :)

I'm slowly building back the life that I almost destroyed last year. I think it's fair to say I was pretty depressed, and let a lot of important friendships go to waste in my stress and despair. Now I'm trying to rebuild the bridges I may have burned, to create a new life for myself in Leeds if that is what is to happen, and to leave on positive terms if that is the way forward. It's interesting, but at last I feel hopeful of the future, whatever it will bring. The Eden era is coming to an end- couple number 2 will be married by the end of this year- but an ending is only the beginning of something new, and I can't wait to see what that will be.

"Team India" gets ready to face the Big Freeze 2010

Removing the Mask

I wrote this aaaaaaaaaaaages ago in Nepal (like, beginning of October) but never got around to typing it up. I think it's still true and relevent though, so- better late than never!

I hope that when I return from Nepal, for the first few weeks people worry about my spiritual state.

My study on church took me to some surprising places. For those who read all the scriptures attached, my reference to Ananias and Saphira may have seemed a little morbid and unnecessary. But actually, it has taught me a lot about the huge importance of honesty within the church. The full story is here.

There were awesome things happening in the church. People were being saved by the day, miracles were happening all over the place and the believers were giving everything they had to support each other, in one big happy family.

But Ananias and Saphira don't seem to have been so convinced. Maybe they were newly saved and hadn't quite seen the full picture yet. Maybe they'd been two of the first and didn't know what to make of the massive growth that was going on. Either way, They had a reputation to keep up so when they sold their field, nobody could know that they'd kept something back.

There are many times when I have been in that position. I've been offered prayer but preferred to listen to others' weaknesses than disclose my own, brushing off their kind offers with a well-practiced smile. I've led people in prayers and Bible study, all the while resenting the hours of my day that it took up.

There's no life in putting on a brave face. There's no cohesion in saying one thing and meaning another. How are we to support one another if we don't even know where the weaknesses lie? Deception leads to death, because there is no one to sow life into us.

Here is a song that spoke to me about halfway through last year. When I first heard it, it broke me, but somehow I never quite translated it into action. Let it challenge you and change you.



So when I return, if I tell you I'm having a bad day or I'm not sure what I believe any more, don't worry- be glad. And please, don't try to be perfect. Set your sights on the things of heaven (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control) then let it all hang out, and lets support each other.

What is Church?

As I walked home from ‘church’ the other day, considering my experiences in Nepal, what I missed from England and the home groups I had heard about, I began to re-assess my concept of church, what it means to be part of church, and the role of church in my life as a Christian.

The more time I spend in Nepal, the more I come to understand my motives for coming here- some of them conscious, but many of them unconscious. One reason, though I didn’t admit it even to myself at the time, was that I was running away. I felt a pressure to ‘conform’ to the Christianity around me; I was challenged by those running beside me as they pressed on towards the finish line (Phil 3:13-14) and I felt that I was limping behind. I felt like church demanded more of me than I was willing to give, and that never leads to life (Acts 5:1-12).

But here, I have come to realize and learned from the very inside out that Christianity is about relationship. First and foremost, it is a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Father who made us and the Spirit who lives in us (Eph 1:4-5). But secondly, it’s about our relationships with each other: sharing the life that is in us, learning from each others’ trials and triumphs and celebrating in the glory of our God (John 13:34-35). This is where church comes in.

Church is the collective name for a group of people who have become one (Eph 4:4-5). Church is those with whom we share life (Heb 10:24) Church happens in coffee shops all over the world where people meet to talk about what is happening in their lives and encourage each other with stories of God’s work. Church happens in the emails I send to my friends along a very similar theme (Acts 2:44-46). Church happens when the part of the body with a car helps the part without to move house (Eph 4:16). Church also happens in bible studies and small groups where people set aside structured time to learn about God togeher. Church is fun and friendship- it is also accountability and challenge.

On Sunday mornings, members of this body have formed a habit of meeting with a wider group (Heb 10:25)- people they would otherwise never cross paths with- from different demographic groups, of different social status, with opposite personalities and interests (1 Cor 12:12-13). They are united by one thing- their love for their Saviour, and they come together to celebrate this. From this mixing pot of people can spark new relationships, new opportunities to extend love, new chances to sow into and learn from others. And so as the church meets, the Church is born.

Today I went on an eye-opening home visit. I'm not quite sure what to do with the experience so I think it needs to go here. I read a thought-provoking post the other day (:P) about what the purpose of a blog is, and how the purposes often merge into each other, and here is one such occasion. This is for my own therapy as much as to inform anyone else.

Kelly and Lucy, the physios that are volunteering at SGCP from Leeds Met, asked me to go and visit a child that they were very concerned about. They hadn't seen him in 6 weeks because the mother kept saying that he was too sick, and when they called to find out more they learned that he wasn't eating and the mother was having a lot of difficulty feeding him. As a newly-qualified SLT in England I'm not qualified to offer feeding and swallowing advice, but in a country where there are 5 qualified SLTs nationally I become more knowledgable than most other people around.

So off I went, armed with some very complicated Nepali phrases that I'd anticipated needing, a banana, some curd and a drink with a straw. I didn't really know what to expect but I could give it my best shot and at least offer some advice on positioning to the mum if all else failed.
We arrived at the house, and climbed three flights of stairs until we reached a corridor where the family lived in the first room on the left. Space is a luxury in Nepal. We were greeted with a strong smell of urine as we entered the room, and Nadesh (name changed... confidentiality!) crying on the bed. His mother had been trying to feed him but she stopped when we arrived. She looked exhausted but happy to see us.

I didn't know where to start. Lucy went straight into action trying to soothe him, and then the mother came and took him out while we spoke to the sister in very basic English. She must have been about 11 and didn't really understand most of what we said I don't think. The assesment began with a small piece of soggy banana which just sat on Nadesh's tongue as he opened his mouth and began to cry again. Kelly just got it out before it slipped straight back and choked him. His mother soothed him again and this time we asked her to feed him curd, which we were told he liked to eat already. Again he just cried and the food didn't go anywhere. He was clearly struggling to breathe and wasn't going to swallow anything we gave him, and I didn't want to risk it with anything else. The girls took over and did some physio stuff, and when he was calm again we tried him with tiny drops of mango juice from the straw. One drop took 5 swallows, an almost certain indication that it was spilling right down into his lungs.

What do you do? In England that child wouldn't be given another thing to eat by mouth, but here there are no IV fluids, no nasogastric tubes or PEGs to be inserted. I couldn't bring myself to feed him but we can't let him starve. The girls had also assessed his breathing and it was so irregular, he wouldn't breathe in for 5-6 seconds and then he would, but not breathe out, andso on. He had several collapsed ribs and his rib cage came all the way down to his abdomen, stoppinghis lungs from expanding properly and no doubt being part of the reason behind his vomiting everything he managed to swallow.

This child's story has a better ending than many- tomorrow he will be admitted to a general hospital and as soon as possible he will go to a nutritional hospital where he will recieve a short-term NG tube which will hopefully build his strength back up so he can begin to eat again. But the story isn't over- there are still so many risks involved and the family is so poor they will only ever recieve the most basic care.

I don't know how the girls do this every day. The children I visit are very well managed and reasonably healthy, regardless of their economic status or severity of CP. But here I just felt so useless- I could have endangered that child with my assessment and even when I knew it wasn't safe for him to eat, I was powerless to help the situation. The mother was wonderful, her positioning and feeding technique were flawless but that didn't help. There's no specialist to refer onto, no second opinion, just the hope that he will have caring and competent doctors and nurses at the hospital and that he won't get any infections.

It's a whole other world. Thank God that you're not trapped in it.

I am having an awesome time and learning lots- I have a handwritten post that I will find time to type up on here sometime soon, and an epic update post in my head for the nepal blog, but this just had to be expressed :)